just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
she told me i tasted like america
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
Question: should I be considering heels or is this the kind of night where I should plan on falling on my face regardless of my choice of footwear?
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
Randomize
