So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
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