apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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