We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
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