this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
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