Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
Randomize
