News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
A+ Viking dick
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
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