Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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