Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
Burnt myself on soup.. consencus go back to hospl. they will lov me. twins in one nigh. still hve band on. fuck
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Randomize
