and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Randomize
