last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
Idk we were snorting lines and making out in the stall while these people were cheering us on, on the other side. And that's when I realized he wasn't the only guy in the girls bathroom.
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
after we fucked i left the room and when i came back he was patting his dick whispering "prouda you lil guy...prouda you"
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