I just used Master P to describe what sound the letter U makes to my daughter...
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
Randomize
