We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
Randomize
