Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
