Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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