dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Randomize
