I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
Woke up backwards on a recliner
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
