Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
sometimes i wonder what i would do without sheltered catholic girls w/ overprotective parents
never have sex?
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
Randomize
