Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
break up sex still means we will always be broken up.
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
How external is "for external use only"?
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
me + whiskey = a bad person
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
Randomize
