if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
I think we might have a drinking problem when the ASU kids called us crazy
No one made them take a shot with us at the 12 hour mark. That's their bad
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
Randomize
