i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
Randomize
