Last night was def like the makeout party episode of full house
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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