I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
like he said he was barking at you while cumming in your face
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
this makes me concerned. not enough to actually do anything about it, but yeah.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
