I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
I just texted him to come over because I want to see if his hand fits the handprint bruise on my ass.....I feel like the cinderella of S&M
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
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