It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
We are two peas in an std pod
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
I think I have to break up with him. I just cried, not moaned, screamed, etc, cried, with tears of sadness and disappointment when I came.
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
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