it hurts more in the daytime
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
Randomize
