I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Randomize
