I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
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