Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
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