This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
Just finished two pages in like 20-30 mins bitches SHWAMP DRUNK LIBRARY SHWAMP
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
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