She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
dude there is absolutely no room for a slide in our room
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
Randomize
