If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
Wydf in so deruk i just dowwned a packet if salt waitibg for food at del taco
gpnpr hd vmdd nm the ggrl whm was mn my lar
I need you to use more vowels.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Randomize
