i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
Randomize
