I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
Randomize
