the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
we couldn't afford a big pool so we bought 2 kiddie pools and put the inflatable beer pong table inbetween. get over here. now.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
Randomize
