it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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