I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
Hands down, the girl passed out in the bathroom was the best looking. Concious or not.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
Randomize
