Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Randomize
