And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
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