someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
Randomize
