Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
I will now send you explicit pics of mine and her genetalia bound together forever in the devils dance that is sexting.
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
Randomize
