What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
Lucas & I had a photo shoot with her cape & I had child arm floaties on most the night.. woke up in a spiderman bed
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
