Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
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