How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
everytime i listen to a chris brown song and like it i feel like i bad person
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Randomize
