My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
protesters in toronto definately have the best pot
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
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