I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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