smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
Its like Laser Tag, but more fun because it ends in sex
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
Randomize
