Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
How do you wash franks red hot sauce, whip cream, grapejuice and shame out of silk?
I would just throw it away. You cant just wash out shame, it has to soak for like a month.
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
We met up and made out in front of an empanada spot, if that's not romance then idk what is.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
