So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
Houston, we have a blender
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
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