dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
