i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
Hes pre-made beer lollipops so he "can suck before the sex" QUOTE!
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
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