My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
Also they do not have any come back to america, i miss my fuck buddy cards at Hallmark.
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
Randomize
