Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
Randomize
